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Benjamin Franklin said, “Nothing is certain except death and taxes.”
We will all face death at some point – it is a universal condition of being human. But before that, we will likely face the deaths of others who are very dear to our hearts.
According to the European Journal of Psychotraumatology, the death of a loved one is among the most stressful and traumatic events we will ever encounter. In a study of individuals over the age of 40, one in three reported severe grief after losing a loved one, as well as problems with their mental and physical health.1 These challenges are often more pronounced if you were very close to the person.
In some cases, the death is sudden and leaves you in shock. But in many cases, losing that person can happen by slow degrees. This is especially true of a spouse who watches their beloved partner decline over the years, or the adult child who gradually becomes the family caregiver as their parent can no longer live as independently as they used to. Each small change can bring a little stab of grief when you realize that things will never be the same as they once were.
By the time death arrives, it can feel like you’ve been in the depths of grief for a long time.
Understanding Anticipatory Grief
Family caregivers will often feel varying degrees of grief before their loved one is gone. This is called anticipatory grief. It can be quite confusing at first, as you might wonder why you feel so deeply sad while the person you love is still right there with you.
But it’s perfectly normal to grieve “what might have been” or feel the loss of what was. For spouses, that grief can take the form of mourning the things you once did but will never again be able to do together – for instance, those who used to travel the world with their partner might find that they are grieving the loss of that shared experience and sense of adventure.
Anticipatory grief can also make you feel guilty, as if you were hoping for an end to the caregiving journey. And even if you know that death is ending their suffering, you can still feel guilty as you wonder what else you could have done for them.
This is part of the difficult nature of grief. It seems to be filled with a little bit of every emotion, including guilt and relief, and some of them don’t make sense.
Expect the Unexpected from Grief
Grief can take many forms and is often messy and unpredictable.
One hour you’re fine, and the next, you’re definitely not. You can feel intense grief after a death, or you might feel numb. You might act so normally and matter-of-factly that others worry about you. Or you might be so profoundly sad that getting out of bed feels impossible.
Grief is a normal response to loss, and everyone grieves differently.
There’s an assumption that grief hits hard at first and then dissipates with time. But grief isn’t linear, with set steps to go through. Instead, grief is like rolling waves. One minute you’re standing in the water and looking toward the horizon, and the next you’re swept under by a wave, one that makes you feel as though you’re drowning.
But This Doesn’t Look Like Grief…
Grief is often characterized by intense, profound sadness following a loss, and a yearning to be with the person who is no longer there. But grief can also take other forms.
Suddenly having a short temper and lashing out at others at the slightest provocation can be a result of grief. So can feeling generally quiet and tired, with a desire to sleep all the time. Or you might be puzzled because you actually don’t feel much grief, but realize later that it’s coming out in other ways.
There might be some guilt and internal questioning if you did everything you could near the end or were “good enough” throughout the journey. You might also go back decades in your head and beat yourself up over arguments that hurt their feelings. You might even feel relief that the caregiving burden is gone, but then feel guilty for those emotions. All of these feelings are normal and common.
To make matters worse, you could feel isolated by grief. As a family caregiver, you’re in a unique position – you took care of your loved one and that gives you a different sort of bond. Losing that person also carries the grief of losing a sense of purpose and a certain lifestyle.
What’s important to remember is that grief has its own momentum and power. Riding the waves of grief is the key to getting through it. There are some ways to help you do this.
Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
This might sound like a no-brainer, but you might be surprised at how difficult it can be to simply give in to grief. The intense emotions can be frightening and overwhelming. Letting others see you so vulnerable might go against every instinct you have.
Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. From sobbing in a private bedroom to screaming at the top of your lungs in your car, find an outlet to let it out.
And don’t pay attention to those who think that mourning ends at a certain point. Grief doesn’t actually go away – it changes shape to fit into the background of your life. And your journey of grief is personal. No one else can tell you how it “should” be done.
Reframe Grief
Grief can feel never-ending. It can make you wonder if you’ll ever be okay again.
It can be helpful to think of grief as a force that is molding and changing you – and one that is changing your relationship to the loved one you lost. Now, instead of taking care of them every day, you take care of what they left behind. Grief is transforming you from their caregiver to the keeper of their legacy.
Losing a spouse can make you wish you had more years with them. Reframing grief accepts that you won’t have that time, and allows you to focus on the time you did have. Rather than stop your life in its tracks, the death of the person you love can inspire you to reach for the things they always wanted for you.
In other words, try to find the silver lining. You might be astonished at just how many silver linings their love left behind for you to find.
Put Your Health First
According to the American Heart Association, grief can have all sorts of negative effects on your physical health. The danger of a heart attack goes up during the 24 hours after a loved one dies. And within 30 days of the death of a partner, the surviving spouse has more than twice the risk of heart attack and stroke. Others studies have found that there is a higher risk of blood clots, immune system changes, and disrupted sleep among those who have just lost a spouse or loved one.2
Focus on your health in the days and weeks after the loss. Though it might seem like you have a million things to do, much of that can wait. Right now, make sure you are eating as healthy as you can, staying hydrated, and getting enough sleep. Ask family and friends to help ensure you do this.
Your stress levels will likely be through the roof, so take some time to engage in breathing exercises, stretch your body, and simply take some time to yourself in a quiet room with no distractions.
Go to the doctor if you begin to experience any symptoms that frighten you. If you have an emergency alert system, press the button to get the help you need right away.
Express the Grief
Talking about what you’re going through can help you process it. There could be emotions you don’t recognize, and getting those thoughts and feelings out is the only way you will come to understand them. Here are some ways to express grief in a healthy way:
· Tell the story. Talk to others about your loved one. It might help you to tell the story of their final days. It might feel better to talk about their younger years. Reflecting on how that person shaped your life can bring a smile. No matter what you say, tell the story that is in your heart and mind at that particular moment.
· Find a good listener. A trusted friend or family member who can simply sit in silence while you talk is worth their weight in gold. Sometimes, just knowing that someone bears witness to our pain is enough to make the burden lighter.
· Turn to private healing. While there are times when you want to talk to others, there will also be times when want to express your grief but you don’t want people around. In that case, tell your story by writing it down on paper, recording a video of yourself, or even releasing the story through artistic means.
· Join a support group. This can allow you to express the thoughts and feelings you would never share with your family members or close friends. Those in a bereavement support group are walking the same path and understand what you’re going through. Your doctor or church will have a list of potential support groups in your local area, and you can also find some online.
· Talk to a counselor. It might seem like everyone around you is falling apart, especially if you come from a close-knit community. In that case, talking to a neutral party will help. A grief counselor can listen to you and help you find a good path forward through the grief and change.
Help Others, but Don’t Sacrifice Your Own Healing
As a caregiver, you’re accustomed to taking care of others. That spirit of service doesn’t die with your loved one – in fact, it might become stronger. That means your first instinct when faced with losing your loved one might be to take care of everyone around you and put your own emotions on the back burner. You could find comfort of your own in giving comfort to others.
But keep in mind that this can be a slippery slope. You are dealing with a significant loss. Even if you knew it was coming, the days after losing your loved one can leave you feeling unmoored. While taking care of others can help you in the immediate aftermath of the loss, others should be taking care of you as well. And they should understand those moments when you need to step away for your own mental health.
It’s also a great time to do good things for yourself. Choosing a fall alert to be your constant companion during these difficult days can help provide peace of mind. If you suffer a medical emergency, accident, or fall, you can reach out for help right away. That alleviates plenty of worry and allows you more mental space to focus on handling grief.
Is It Complicated Grief?
According to the National Institute on Aging, complicated grief occurs rarely – in only about 7% of those who have lost a loved one – but this can be a very serious turn in the grief process. Complicated grief lasts for much longer than you might expect those first waves of grief to linger. It might bring overly negative feelings, an inability to comprehend the loss, and difficulty resuming one’s life.3
Complicated grief means you might try to avoid triggers that make grief worse. A spouse might not go into the bedroom they shared, a child might not want to see their parent’s things, or a caregiver might want to avoid the senior center that their loved one enjoyed so much.
Professional help is often the best solution when dealing with complicated grief. A counselor who is well-versed in the grieving process can help you escape the depths of complicated grief and move into a healthier mental and emotional place.
Find Ways to Honor Them
Keeping the memory of your loved one alive can help you move forward. Making it clear how much they meant to you and that they are always remembered can bring you some unique peace of mind.
Make a point of marking their birthday each year – perhaps go to their favorite restaurant with family and friends to talk about them and remember the good things they brought to your life. If you lost your spouse, take the time to remember them on your anniversary.
Raise a toast to them at holiday gatherings. Create special holiday ornaments to remember them by. You could even plant a tree in their memory. Honoring your loved one can help you move through the grief and find more smiles than tears.
Practice Self-Care
Dealing with grief can be exhausting. This is especially true when the flurry of activity following a death and celebration of life is over. Others will drift back to their lives. The flowers and cards will slow down. The phone calls will taper off.
For some, that can be when grief really hits home. And that’s when self-care becomes even more important.
Find ways to ease the pain you’re feeling, even if it’s years after the fact. Here are some ways to channel all that emotion in a helpful and positive way:
· Keep a journal where you write about your day-to-day healing and some remembrances of your loved one.
· Compile things from their life that bring the memories closer. This might include compiling videos of them, making a “memory quilt” with pieces of their clothing, or gathering the family recipes they served at countless dinners.
· Spend time out in nature. Getting in touch with the natural world, where the circle of life is so evident, can help give you new perspective.
· Get more exercises, book massages, pray quietly, or even try out acupuncture. These can release muscle tension and help you get out some pent-up emotion, too.
In other words: If it makes you feel better, do it!
As you work through grief, medical alert systems can be a powerful tool. Take some time today to scroll through the innovative medical technology from Alert1. The peace of mind you can get from a medical alert device can work wonders for your stress levels at a difficult time.
